omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
