Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
