we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
