quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
