Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
