I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
