96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wear drunk well.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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