dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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