nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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