Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
