Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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