can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
