why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
