Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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