allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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