I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
