you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
