I'm going to jail i love you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize