I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
