I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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