This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
