omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
