first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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