Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
