I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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