Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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