You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
