Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize