I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
