Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
