all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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