I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
