Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She needs sedatives and a leash
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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