I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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