You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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