Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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