Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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