Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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