Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
