Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
