fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
