He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
