It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
