just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
