Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
