I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
