no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
