Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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