So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
