A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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