the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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