He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
