Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
