i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
