oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
