Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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