I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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