My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
