Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
